2015 Oscar Nominations – Who Will Win? Mystic Sloth Gazes Into Our Crystal Ball

Allright kids, awards season 2015 is officially in full swing.  Like sneaking a pre-emptive squeeze of an enticingly wrapped Christmas present, Oscars’ official appetite whetters The Golden Globes have been and gone. The BAFTA Awards settle into the Royal Opera House on 7 Feb – will Brangelina be there to support her protégé, Rising Star nominee Jack O’Connell, and will they sneak off early again for a cuzza? Most importantly, the Oscar nominees are finally revealed. Is your favourite horse in the running? Let’s find out. Category by category, The Sloth sizes up the main contenders for the Academy’s major gongs.

Best Actor
Nominees: Steve Carrell, Foxcatcher; Bradley Cooper, American Sniper; Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game; Eddie Redmayne, The Theory Of Everything; Michael Keaton, Birdman.

We wouldn’t want to be a starry male ego this year. Probably one of the toughest categories in recent memory with a slew of big, shouty, LOOK AT ME roles, we predict a lot of tears before bedtime. Michael plays a nutjob in Birdman – always a good tact – just ask Kirk Lazarus in Tropic Thunder. Bradley Cooper stayed in character through the entire filming of American Sniper – always a good tact – just ask Daniel Day-Lewis who was last seen disappearing up the posterior of President Lincoln. Eddie, initially an outside bet, is cresting on a Golden Globes wave and the world, his dog and his dog’s fleas ADORE The Cumberbatch. Tough call. We’re predicting Prof. Hawking will invoke the higher powers of the universe to Eddie’s favour. 

The Theory Of Everything
The Theory Of Everything

Best Actress
Nominees: Marion Cotillard, Two Days One Night; Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything; Julianne Moore, Still Alice; Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl; Reese Witherspoon, Wild

The wonderful Marion Cotillard, is there any stone she will leave unturned in the quest to subdue her natural gorgeousness? In Two Days One Night she scrubs down in shapeless vests and mum-jeans. Not to be outdone, in Wild Reese dispenses with make-up, displays stomach-churning blisters and even pulls off her own bloodied toe-nail! Hah! Take that, Marion! Ah, but here comes Rosamund, topping both of them with a scene so gruesomely bloody it may as well have been shot in a slaughter house. Whilst these ladies are grubbing it out, let’s consider the delicate Felicity Jones who undoubtedly gives a moving performance as Mrs Hawking but, realistically, there is only one true contender. The magnificent Julianne Moore may as well start her march to the podium now.  And while she’s en route, can we just say it’s about bloody time.

Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Best Director
Nominees: Wes Anderson, Grand Budapest HotelAlejandro G. Iñárritu, BirdmanRichard Linklater, BoyhoodBennett Miller, FoxcatcherMorten Tyldum, The Imitation Game.

Well this ought to be a banker for Boyhood. 12 YEARS in the making? Universally loved by all who watch it? With a rich body of previous work including the Before Sunrise trilogy, if it doesn’t bag Richard at least one gong, we’ll re-ingest our own fur balls. Having said that, we’re secretly hoping second time nominee Alejandro G. Iñárritu, should he not go home a winner this time, might take a leaf out of Birdman’s book and shoot his own nose off live onstage in protest…

Best Picture
Nominees: American Sniper; Birdman; Boyhood; The Grand Budapest Hotel; The Imitation Game; Selma; The Theory Of Everything; Whiplash.

Ah yes, let’s get serious. The Academy gets very defensive over the Best Picture gongs.  First rule of Oscar consideration – It’s not just a movie, it’s serious art, don’cha know? So with a slew of very serious, real-life dramas on the cards, the Oscars are spoilt for choice. Which takes us to rule two – protect your own. Far too many British (BRITISH!!!! Bally foreigners…) choices floating around. That takes our remaining US-centric candidates to rule three – be somewhat political, but don’t scare the horses. By that reckoning, American Sniper and Selma will fall at the final hurdle, leaving the tale of a good, clean American Boyhood to romp home the winner.

Boyhood
Boyhood

What would you like to see win? Let us know.

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Never Mind The Oscars, It’s The Slothcars

It’s Oscar time again! Cue big frocks, cringeworthy speeches and Jack Nicholson letching over the new young starlet du jour. Eew.

What a stonking year. So stonking that numerous films which surely would have been Oscar front runners in any other year have been shunted aside. To rectify this, The Sloth is awarding our very own Slothcars to the unlucky but deserving few whose nominations presumably got lost in the post. Please don your dickie bows as the red carpet is lined with paparazzi and the limos are arriving, bearing The Cumberbatch fighting off a selection of Cumberbitches, Lady Gaga wearing her own intestine and Gwynneth, who is already tearfully thanking God and Mumsnet. Oh, and Emma Thompson started too early and is chucking up in the loo.

Cue drum roll…

douglasBest Actor: Michael Douglas, Behind The Candelabra
We’ve already roundly sounded off about the homophobic disgrace that is Hollywood refusing to release this theatrically. Thankfully the UK saw sense. Douglas’ warts and all turn as the King of Camp is hilarious, tragic and totally devoid of vanity.

 

adeleBest Actress: Adèle Exarchopoulos, Blue Is The Warmest Colour
The year’s most controversial film until that canny Mr Von Trier showed up. The tabloids devoted sweaty column inches to the flesh pressing, overshadowing her remarkably natural and uninhibited performance. Bonus points awarded for impressively snotty crying scenes.

 

lostBest Director: J.C. Chandor, All Is Lost
“So J, you’ve got a boat and you’ve got Robert Redford who doesn’t talk. Make that last 100 minutes”. Would you have wanted that brief? Hats off to Mr Chandor for keeping every single one of those 100 minutes nail bitingly gripping.

 

trouserBest Song: Please Mr Kennedy, Inside Llewyn Davis
We nearly ate our own toes when this wasn’t nominated, apparently due to some ridiculous Oscar small print rules. When Trousersnake busted this out we simultaneously sung along and laughed like a drain, resulted in a near-death-by-popcorn-experience.

 

rushBest Film: Rush
Tension, drama, humour, tragedy, thrills, spills. What more could you want from 90 minutes in a cinema? What’s that? Racing cars? Bingo, you got them too. Why this exceptional film received ZERO nominations is a travesty of the highest order. Makes us proper cross.

 

So that’s it. What do you think was overlooked? Let us know. In the meantime, all that stomping about the stage has left us starving so we’re off for a kebab with SJP. Laters.

Want more? Read The Sloth’s thoughts on the BAFTAs here.

 

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